"Someday I'll Want to Remember How Hard This Was"

A reminder (including to myself) that when things feel most dire can be exactly when things turn around.

I just moved my author newsletter from Wordpress to Substack, and when I finished migrating all the old posts I wanted to bring over, I poked around the drafts folder for any more content I might be able to salvage.

And I found this.

It made me cry. Sob, even.

Nine years ago, when I signed into my Wordpress account and typed out this stream of consciousness, I was with my second literary agent watching a manuscript die on submission for the third time, and feeling like a book deal would never happen for me.

I now have four traditionally published books out. Four.

I’ll be real with you—it hasn’t been all sunshine and daisies. My debut novel All Your Twisted Secrets was well-positioned to break out, but launched March 17 2020, five days into shelter-in-place while bookstores were closed and Amazon was only shipping essential items (not books). As a result, my publisher dropped me, despite going to a second printing within two weeks and earning out in three months.

They wanted a bestseller, I guess.

Sorry a pandemic happened, I guess.

I was lucky to publish three more books with other publishers, considering. Each has faced various obstacles out my control, and my future within the traditional publishing institution is uncertain. Despite logically knowing the circumstances that led me here were not my fault (sorry I didn’t have a vaccine ready to go in 2020, you guys! my bad!!), I’ve been feeling a bit down about myself.

But then I found THIS. And I was reminded of how incredibly far I’ve come within the past decade. It’s like I wrote this to myself for this exact moment. And I wanted to share it with you, like I promised I would…

Someday I’ll Want to Remember How Hard This Was

I have to believe that someday one of my books will sell. That readers will be able to read the people and worlds I've created. And when that day comes, I'll publish this post.

But right now, every day is a struggle.

Right now, I feel like a poser. I write about how to market books. I'm an "expert" at marketing books.¹ Yet I can't market mine because I can't get them published.

Right now, after years of being on submission with one agent or another, I wonder if my books will ever sell.

Right now, I'm perpetually waiting for something that could be nothing.

Right now, I see my friends and CPs getting agents and going on to get one book deal, multiple book deals. I'm happy for them. Thrilled for them. I congratulate them. And then I go home and sob on my couch.

Right now, I wonder if all of my beta readers were just being nice to me, if my agents were just in a great mood when they offered me rep, and if my writing actually sucks.

Right now, I wonder how old I'll be when I finally get my book in readers’ hands.² Or if I'll die of old age first.³

Right now, I have zero motivation to write anything else that will just lead to more heartbreak.

Right now, I grapple between the decision to pursue traditional publication or to self-publish. I know how successful independent authors can be. Self-publishing isn't a consolation prize. It can be the real deal. So why am I so afraid?

Right now, I wish I was never on that train in Paris where I saw the incident that sparked my first novel. Maybe I could have been slower going down the metro stairs. Maybe I could have taken longer at Monoprix’s checkout counter. Maybe then, the train doors would have closed in my face. But they didn't. And in a single moment, everything changed.

Someday I hope I'll be grateful I was on that train in Paris.

But I'm not right now.

Now I have all these books out.

Yes, my future within trad pub is uncertain. But seeing this reminded me (and I hope you!) that even in those rock-bottom moments when we feel the most down about ourselves—those are the moments when everything can change.

Though I have no book to announce yet, over the past year I’ve written a whole manuscript and the beginnings of THREE more I hope to turn into complete novels. This message has lit a fire under my butt, and I’m full steam ahead.

And I’m so f*cking grateful I was on that train in Paris.

The dedication of my book Under the Surface about four teens who go missing for days in the Paris catacombs. For those lost in darkness. Have hope.

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WELCOME TO MY BRAND NEW SUBSTACK, BY THE WAY! I’m so glad you’re here. If you’re not subscribed yet, I hope you do so we can stay in touch… I’ll be sending updates about my books, publishing journey, writing process, and whatever else I’m nerding out about. See you around!

1. At the time, I worked at BookBub, where I created educational content for authors and publishers on book marketing tactics. Before then I was an early employee at HubSpot, a leading inbound marketing software company. I knew my shit for sure and was not giving myself enough credit here, but… well, you can see what kind of mood I was in lmao.

2. 33

3. SO DRAMATIC!