How it Feels to Write THE END When Publishing Hurts So Much

I just finished drafting my first adult thriller after publishing four YA books, and instead of feeling WAHOO I'm feeling all sorts of AHHHHH.

I just wrote “THE END” on a brand new book, at 2:30pm EST on April 25, 2025, and immediately started writing this newsletter. Which is making my husband laugh, because I physically cannot stop writing.

To clarify: I’ve just completed the second draft of a new book.¹ I don’t let myself write “THE END” until after I write the epilogue. And I don’t let myself write the epilogue until draft two. After one more draft, I’ll be ready to send this manuscript to my agent. And, hopefully, an editor will connect with my vision enough to help me shape it into something even more sparkly.²

After writing “THE END,” I usually sprawl on the floor and sob for a bit, then immediately binge-watch the TV shows I’ve fallen behind on.³ This time, after the requisite sobbing on the floor, I want to sit with these emotions longer and examine what it feels like to write “THE END” after having four traditionally published books out already.

Because here’s the thing: my publishing journey has been gnarly. So writing “THE END” feels quite different now than it did twelve years ago, the first time I wrote those two little words. Back then, I was all starry-eyed with hope, naive about how in publishing it’s way harder to stay in the room than it is to get in the door. Someone’s always trying to fling you out a window.

When I first wrote this subject line, I cringed.

Sounds melodramatic, right? But it’s true. I’m proud and grateful to be published, but at the same time, a lot of my experience has been painful—so much so that after my last book Under the Surface came out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this anymore. At all.

I truly don’t mean to sound ungrateful. There have been loads of positive aspects, like seeing readers enjoying my stories, connecting with them, befriending fellow authors, seeing my book on shelves—I’ve talked about the highs and lows of my publishing experience here. But I’m not sure the positives have outweighed the negatives. I’ve soul-searched this to death, and honestly, I can’t decide.

But as it turns out, I don’t know how to exist in this universe without writing.

Also turns out, I’m persistent and stubborn and maybe a bit spiteful, because I can’t quit until I prove all the naysayers wrong.

So, onward I go. And, hopefully, upward.

This story is different than my previous ones.

Something that’s given me the strength to move forward is how different this book is from any I’ve written before. It’s an adult thriller, for starters, and I’ve only published YA so far. But it’s also more romantic—forbidden romance—more unhinged, more introspective, much steamier, and it digs into darker subject matter.

I also primarily wrote it for me. Before I started seriously drafting in January, I was torn between two projects. My agent was happy for me to pursue either one first, but seemed to favor the other; maybe it’s an easier sell. But this story is the one that was calling to me. I’ve dreamt about the scenario for years—it’s literally how I’d lull myself to sleep, pondering how it’d go down. I never meant to turn it into a book for other humans’ eyeballs. But after sinking to such a dark place this fall, when I was considering quitting, I needed to write something for fun. Something for me. Something to help me recover from the burnout of the past five-year grind.

So, what am I feeling in this moment?

I’m relieved. Every one of my books has felt like a fluke. I’m one of those authors who googles “how to write a book” before starting every one. So my very first emotion is sheer, elated relief, because I managed another fluke! Weeee!⁴

I’m scared. Maybe it sucks! Maybe it doesn’t make sense! Maybe it’s TOO unhinged, and my agent will think I lost my mind! Or, my agent will submit to publishers, and editors will think I lost my mind! Or I’ll self-publish it, and readers will think I lost my mind! Either way, I’m scared people will think I lost my mind. AHHHHHHH!

I’m proud. I wrote the first draft in about three months, including a week off when I got really sick and a week off for vacation. I got sick the week after vacation, too, but it was a less severe cold and I really wanted to meet my self-imposed deadline, so… fuck you, body! (I fully acknowledge this is not healthy and do not endorse hustle culture.)

An annotated screenshot from Pacemaker.press.

I wrote the second draft in one month, and a bunch of it was a rewrite. It needs one more revision before I send it to my agent; I’m hoping it only takes 2-3 weeks.⁵

I’m frustrated. I’m mad at myself that it took this long. And I’m mad at myself for being mad at myself, because actually, this isn’t long at all. But my original self-imposed deadline was to send this to my agent by May 1, and that won’t happen. I’m happy with the plot beats, pacing, character growth, etc., but it needs another pass. Whether or not this deadline was feasible to begin with, I won’t be hitting it, so, boo.

I’m jaded. I used to think of each new manuscript as a lottery ticket. Before I got published, it was a lottery ticket for my first book deal. After I got published, it was a lottery ticket to be a lead title at my publisher. But I don’t think of this as a new lotto ticket anymore. Now it’s a new chance to hurt more. Again, that feels melodramatic! But it’s true. Even if it does sell to a publisher, there’s all the rejection that comes after: the negative reviews, the social media trolling (I don’t know if it’s the pandemic’s fault, but people have gotten mean), the slow burn of disappointments in the months before launch—not getting special editions, not getting book boxes or starred reviews or big orders from certain retailers, and on and on. I adore writing. But the part that comes next… whew. I don’t know. The actual publishing part has been rough.

I’m very, very, very cautiously excited. Even though I wrote this book for me, I do think it’s on trend, with an exciting hook and fun, voicy protagonist. I’m not ready to share the details yet, but I hope readers will love how unhinged, twisty, and romantic it is.

I’m bashful. I wrote my first truly steamy scenes in this! I don’t want to spoil how far the characters get but it goes well beyond what I’d be comfortable with family members reading lmaoooooooooooo. I’d say my steamiest scene up to now was Jade and Felix on the top deck in Lying in the Deep, and this goes way past that. So. FUN. But also, oh my god, how will I send this to my agent???

That pretty much covers it. My emotions are all over the place, and now I’m going to dive into draft three. I hope I’ll be able to share more about this book with you later this year. If not, let’s all just pretend we never read this newsletter!!! 🤪

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1. It’s actually more like six or seven drafts for some chapters. I use the “Snapshots” tool in Scrivener when I start rewriting or heavily revising a chapter, and some of my chapter snapshots look like this. So it’s always hard for me to tell exactly how many drafts in I am. But, let’s just say, this is the second time I’ve reached the end of the manuscript and thought “okay, time to save this as a new document with a new number at the end.”

2. If not, I’ll hire a freelance developmental editor and self-publish it. Unless the feedback is so horrific that I chicken out. There is a nonzero chance of this happening.

3. Andor and The Handmaid’s Tale are first on the docket this time! I’m also excited to dig into the Elder Scrolls: Oblivion remaster that just surprise-dropped a few days ago.

4. As I load this post into Substack a few days later, I can also report that I got my first solid night of sleep in weeks after finishing this draft. My racing brain wouldn’t let me sleep through the night for a while.

5. But here I am editing this in Substack on Monday morning when I should be editing the BOOK, so lol who knows how the next few weeks will go. Maybe I’ll take a social media break…